KOtic Hearts
by Phoenix of the Sea
Summary: In this random world, bomns fall from coconut trees, crazy witches stalk you, and random people possess you! BEWARE THE DOUBLE HUMOR SIGN! Seond chapter IS funny!
1. Chapter 1

**K-Otic Hearts**

Chapter 1-There's Nothing Wrong With Me, There's Something Wrong With You!

(Courtesy of SOAD's TCMMFLIOTS)

_I've been having these weird thoughts lately…_

_Like is any of this real…_

_Or not…_

_**And how does that make you feel?**_

_What the…When did my therapist get here?_

The brunette hero we call Sora was having an odd dream; a dream of him falling through water with deflated water wingies. Once he landed, he looked down. Soon enough, a flock of birds flew up from beneath his feet, but one of them stopped to peck his face for stepping on it.

X.O

"Ow! Stupid bird!" he screamed. "Wait a second! Isn't there more to that?"

Out of nowhere, the author's voice said, "One, I forgot what happened in the video, two, Utada Hikaru doesn't feel like singing because we keep translating her songs and making them crappy, and three…three…I'll tell when I think of it!"

_Welcome Sora…since Phoenix's memory sucks, we're gonna have you pick a weapon and ask you questions that will let us know who you REALLY are…_

"Would it be easier if I said I like power, fear that TV host woman, want to have an exceptional cute boyfriend, and that my life is important to me?"

_Wait a second! You fear a TV host and you're gay?_

Sora twiddled his fingers and said, "I'm bisexual."

_Why do I always get the bi guys?_

Before he could speak, a tennis racket appeared in the boy's hand. It wasn't a normal tennis racket; it was a racket signed by Venus Williams.

"Venus? Aw man! She sucks!"

Out of nowhere, a tennis ball bopped Sora upside his head, sending him to the ground. When he tried to get up, little black things began to pop out of the ground. Their eyes glowed yellow with much intention to kill.

"Um…back, back away!"

The black things exploded, even if h didn't touch them. Sora smiled, chanting, "I'm so strong! I guess I don't know my own strength."

The black savages sat in a random place whispering to each other.

"Should we tell him what's up ahead?"

"Nah! The idiot'll find out. He'll find out…"

Sora went up further to see a door. Of course, he had to open up a useless treasure box, and break a crate with a monkey in it. Sadly, since the monkey had no purpose of being in the game, it committed suicide. Stupid monkey…

Anyways, the hero continued his journey after mourning the monkey, only to stand on an empty platform.

_The closer you step towards the light, the bigger your shadow becomes…_

Sora took his warning well and led his shadow to the edge. When it tried to rise up, it was sort of hanging off it. The Darkside ended up like the monkey, the end.

"Did that bozo just kill dad?"

"Yeah! Let's jump him!"

"You mean sink him?"

"Yeah, sure…"

Just as they said, they sunk Sora in a dark puddle of doom.

_Ugh…You know, those wingies would probably work right about now…_

"Shut up!" Sora yelled before everything was lights-out…


	2. Destiny Islands, Escape Donald and Sora

Chapter 2-Destiny Islands…Sora's Escape!

_Toss, turn, toss, turn…_

Sora wakes up…

Slowly, he looks beyond the horizon of the ocean. He is then reminded that he was back on his island, or in his words, his little Hell Prison.

"…Oh God, why didn't the ocean take me like I wanted? That's the only reason I fell asleep _here!_" he groaned out loud.

He lied back down, but something stopped him from going back to sleep. The red-headed girl, who wasn't so important, named Kairi.

"Whoa!" Sora screamed, jumping up and head-butting the poor girl.

"Owwy!" she yelped.

"What do you want, Kairi?"

"Well," she groaned, recuperating, "I'm here to remind you of the random crap we need for our raft, you bum!"

"_Again_? Look, Kairi, I told you: If we get stranded at mid-sea, we'll eat you! Then me and Riku will stab each other with forks until one of us dies. The loser will be eaten, sheesh!"

"Hey!" a familiar voice called. "No one's gonna be eating anybody!"

The voice belonged to the platinum haired bishounen known as Riku. The older boy came towards the two, carrying a log. He tossed it on Sora and began to speak to Kairi.

"I see you're just as lazy as him! Where's your wood?"

"I lost mine, that's all!" she argued.

"Was it as big as mine?"

"No, but it was thick!"

"So? Half way here, I had to drag my wood! Hey, what did you do with your's?"

"I banged Tidus with it…then he knocked me out with his…"

"That little scrawny thing?"

Kairi looked down at Sora shamefully, twiddling with her fingers.

"Riku," Sora wheezed, "get your wood off of me! I can't breathe!"

From a distance, Wakka, the crack headed Jamaican guy was watching and listening to the whole convo.

"D'ey have no idea what they're sayin', man. I tell you, Fishy, they have no idea…"

Of course, being the crack head, Wakka was talking to his imaginary crack-buddy, Fishy.

The big blue fish looked at him and said, "You're absolutely right, Wakka…now, buy more weed like a good little boy."

"Yes, Fishy."

The sea creature looked away and chuckled evilly.

* * *

Later that day, Kairi gave Sora a list of things to collect while she did jack-shit. Riku on the other hand was able to charm his way out of it with his 'big wood.' The jerk…

On his way to collecting wood, Sora was nearly trampled by Wakka. Sora gave him an odd look, but he knew why his 'friend' was running towards the ocean.

"FISHY! DON'T LEAVE! THE WEED'LL GROW!"

"Wakka, there is no Fishy!"

It was too late. Wakka had jumped into the salt water and burned the hell out of his own eyes.

On his merry way to get the rope, Sora had to walk…more like sneak his way pass Tidus. Why? Oh, there's a good reason.

"Sora! My good friend!"

"Dammit," Sora grumbled.

"Are you still a fighter, or is the fag in you holding you back?" he asked.

"Tidus," Sora growled, "I'd sooo kick you in your nuts if you had any."

With that, Sora took the rope and left. The little blonde twiddled his finger, upset at the older brunette.

"I do too have _cajones_!"

"I know what you do at night!" Sora yelled from a distance.

With those words in mind, Tidus silenced himself.

In the crap-shack called a treehouse, Sora found the cloth, but it blew away in the nonexistent wind. Sora chased it until he saw it land somewhere that he had no business going: Near Selphie.

He quietly snuck up near Selphie to grab the cloth until…

"I smell…SORA!" she screamed, jumping on top of the poor boy.

"Sora! Imissedyousomuch! Yousaidyouweretosleepsomewhereandyounevercameback! Whydidn'tyoucomeback,youmeany?"

After deciphering what the hyper girl just said, Sora replied, "Missed me? I've been gone for five minutes! And besides, I'm doing something at the moment, so if you don't mind, I'd like to grab my cloth and be on my merry way!"

"Can I help?" she asked, giving puppy eyes.

"Don't give me that look! I created that look!"

* * *

When the day was nearly over, Riku, Kairi, and Sora hung out on the crooked tree. They looked at the sun setting, thinking as they talked to each other.

"Do you think we'll find another world out there on that raft?" Kairi asked.

"Does it matter?" Sora asked. "I just wanna get the hell out of here. If I see Wakka jump into the ocean, or hear Tidus's mouth, or have Selphie jump on me again, I'll kill someone."

The two friends moved away from their insane pal.

"So," Riku started. "Um…Well, none of this would be on my mind if it wasn't for you, Kairi."

"Thank you."

"You sure you don't remember where you're from?" Sora asked, trying to kick the sanity back in.

"Nope," she replied.

"So wait," Sora began. "What if we find Kairi's home, and it's been overtaken by, I don't know, a witch with dark minions, like that TV host woman?"

"Sora," Riku snarled, "that TV host is NOT evil! Geez, you're so random!"

"And you're so normal!"

The two began bickering as Kairi walked onward towards her house, wherever that was. Riku threw a star-shaped mango at Sora.

"What's this?" Sora asked.

"It's a papou fruit! Whenever two people share one, their destinies intertwine. C'mon, Sora. I know you want one!"

Sora looked up at his pal and saw him making kissing gestures at him. He got angry and began to hunt Riku down.

* * *

Somewhere far away, was a kingdom of some sort. It was vast and filled with the most peaceful things. For instance, they had their theme song, which the beginning was a rip-off from the 20th Century Fox theme.

(A/N-Tell me I'm lying…)

Walking down a long corridor was an odd fellow. It was a duck that walked on two legs. This duck had weird clothing on. He had a black Rancid T-shirt on and bondage pants (those metal covered pants you usually find at Hot Topic). With it, he had on and a black bandana. In his hand was a wand of some sort. He walked with a serious look upon his face.

After a while of walking, this dark duck reached two doors that stood pretty high. Though they were huge, the person knew that there was a mini-door on it. Once he opened it, he began to talk to someone in the shadows that he couldn't quite see.

"Your majesty," he spoke, "there's been something going on! We're totally out of mayonnaise. Goofy keeps eating it all and…"

He stopped in mid-sentence when he that a certain someone wasn't there. Instead, there was a certain some_thing_ instead. It was a letter!

"Oh great," Donald sighed. "Now I have to go ALL the way back! Screw that screaming and running part…"

Instead, he walked his way back to the garden. Among the hedges was his pal, Goofy, taking a nap.

"Goofy, wake up!" Donald whispered.

ZZZZzzz…

"Goofy, wake up!"

ZZZZzzz…

"This is gonna hurt you more than it is me," Donald sighed, disconnecting the metal-embedded straps.

Wa-pish, wa-pish!

"AAHH! STOP IT, MAMA!" Goofy screamed, kicking Donald away. He opened his eyes all the way and sighed. "Gawrsh, it was only a dream."

"Goofy, we have an 'emergency.'" Donald said. "And please, God almighty, do NOT tell Daisy, DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT!"

"Queen Minnie?"

"NOOO, YOU IDIOT! You know how they are when they find stuff out."

"Well, g'mornin' ladies!"

Donald turned around and saw, what he called, the Castle Nightmares, Minnie and Daisy. He sighed and slapped his hand on his forehead.

"Like, oh my God, like, Minnie, like, Donald has a secret!" Daisy said to her friend.

"Like, totally! I can so, like, tell!" Minnie replied.

"You see why I hate them?" Donald asked Goofy.

* * *

Back on the island, Sora was stuck on searching duty again, because Riku showed Kairi his 'big yellow coconuts.' The ass…

While looking for his own coconuts, Tidus was chuckling. The blonde knew that the three would need them and was originally planning on Riku to be the victim of his cruel prank. When Sora needed one more coconut, a metallic one fell from the tree. He arched an eyebrow until he realized a ticking noise coming from the weird object. He quickly grabbed a random and normal coconut and jumped to dodge his death in the fiery explosion.

While looking for the fishes, he ran into someone he thought he's never see.

"I know I might be right," Sora began, "but your name wouldn't happen to be Fishy, would it?"

Fishy stared back at the boy, smacked him, and swam away. Sora blinked a couple of times, and tried his best to forget what he just saw.

While looking for the mushrooms, he came across a cave that Wakka was talking about. He remembered Wakka saying something about seeing people from different worlds whenever he was high. He said he drew them on the walls.

When Sora looked at the random scribbles, he saw a duck looking person. He blew it all off until he came across a drawing him and Kairi drew when they were younger. He looked closely and sighed.

(A/N-Seriously, if you look on the walls, you'll see a drawing of Donald)

"I suck at drawing," he sighed.

Slowly, he picked up a rock and drew a hand giving Kairi the papou fruit. He later drew Riku's face near Kairi's. He extended a hand out to him too and wrote 'MAYBE' under the arm.

When he found the last mushroom, a presence appeared right before him. It was a cloaked figure.

"Seeking out for new worlds? Good, because this world is soon to be tied to the darkness…"

"What? Of course I'm gonna search for new worlds. My friends and I are gonna find them all!"

"Such a meaningless effort."

"Oh yeah, well…the cloak makes you look fat!"

The cloak stood there in silence. It soon disappeared, muttering something.

"I knew it," it said.

Sora blinked a couple times again and tried his best to forget what he saw.

He exited the cave, but on his way over to Kairi and the others, three of the beach bums stopped him.

"Hand over the shrooms!" Wakka growled.

"Yeah," Tidus glared, "what he said. Sora, you've been a pain in the butt lately, and we're gonna put an end to it!"

"I'm gonna make you pay for ditching me," Selphie exclaimed, taking out a jump rope.

"I'm gonna make you pay for making Fishy run away!" Wakka growled, taking out a ball.

"I'm gonna make you pay for trying to blackmail me for the things I do at night!" Tidus ended.

"Whoa, whoa, wait," Wakka stopped. "Is that the noise I keep hearing at night? Gawd, it sounds like a Water Buffalo dying!"

"You see," Sora said before Tidus could yell at him, "you brought that on yourself!"

"DIE!" Tidus screamed.

The fight began as a disaster and ended like one. First, Selphie got Wakka's leg tangled in her jump rope, swinging him around like a mace. Then, Wakka had hit Tidus hard enough to cause a K.O. Then, Wakka flew off of the rope, hitting the shack. Lastly, Sora ended it all with a hanky drowned in chloroform to knock Selphie out.

Continuing on, Sora met up with Riku. Out of nowhere, the two boys began disputing about the name of the pointless raft.

"Highwind!"

"Excalibur!"

Suddenly, Kairi suggested racing. Of course, Sora won because he trip Riku on the bridge part where there was a broken plank.

"It's just a stupid name!"

"Get bent, Riku!"

* * *

Again, in the other world, Donald and Goofy were trying to decipher what the Queen was saying by erasing the 'likes' after nearly every word.

"Like, what could this, like, mean?" Minnie asked.

"Well," Donald said, "if you read the note, the King, who's not retarded like you, is on a search for some kind of 'key.'"

(A/N-Ugh, I hate saying the word 'retarded')

"Well, why don't you guys, like, go searching for him in the Gummi ship?" Daisy suggested.

"I'D LOVE TO!" Donald cheered.

Gummi ship plus search for the King equaled escape!

"Oh, and, like, take this guy with you!" Minnie requested, pointing to a table.

Out of nowhere, a small cricket appeared, barely moving. Donald took his wand and nearly bashed it to death until it spoke.

"Please don't hurt me! Why is everyone trying to hurt me? Isn't it enough that I hurt myself? Another entry for my journal indeed…"

"Oh great," Donald sighed. "Out of every cricket, we get the emo one. C'mon. What's your name?"

"Jiminy Cricket," the creature shivered, jumping onto Donald's shoulder. "My world was taken away…Poor Pinocchio…he was my only friend…why do they always go?"

Donald and Goofy made their way to the Gummi ship, ready to take off. Thinking that they were going to take off going forward, they were shocked to find out that they were falling instead. Catching balance, Donald was able to control the ship, but one problem had occurred: Goofy broke his neck from the fall.

"Oh my God, they killed Goofy!" Jiminy yelped.

"You bastards!" Donald screamed, taking off into deep space.

* * *

Back on the island, Sora was looking around his room. He laid his eyes on the pitchforks in the corner of the room until he realized that there was a storm brewing outside!

(A/N-Honestly, people, Sora has a sack of pitchforks in his room!)

"Aw crap," Sora groaned. "I didn't collect that crap for nothing!"

The young brunette ran outside as his mother called him down for dinner.

"Sora, dinner's ready! Sora? SORA! That's it, I'm throwing your cat in the pot if you don't come down here! That's it, she's going in!"

MEOW!

* * *

Outside, Sora saw weird dark minion things devour the island bums. He slowly snuck by them to get to the cave, which was protected by a door.

"I know I said I was going to the raft, but with a shiny door like this, who could resist?"

He opened the door and went into the cave. There, he saw Kairi. She turned around looking dead.

"So…ra…"

"Whoa. With you out like this, Kairi, you're gonna get less camera time, and right now, you're really not that important. You could get kicked out of the story!"

Suddenly, the door behind her burst open. Turning into a phantom too late, Kairi's body hit Sora dead-on, knocking him into the wind worse than he was supposed to. He landed outside, only to spot Riku on his little mound.

Sora ran over to him, but he started to look up at something in the sky. When Sora looked, he was taken by shock.

"It's the Death Star!"

"No, you idiot! It's our freedom! Our freedom from this Hell-hole is right up there! Kairi's coming with us!"

"And the beach bums?"

"They're dead!"

"Yes!"

"Now come with me."

Riku held out his sexy hand, but when Sora tried to reach out for it, he stopped. There was a dark puddle eating Riku alive! Before he could help his friend, Riku vanished. Soon, a weird looking key thing appeared in Sora's hand. Before he could question, the 'Death Star' came crashing down on him.

When he opened his eyes, he saw the Heartless from his dream.

"Ha! There's no escaping me now!"

"Yeah there is!"

"Huh?"

Out of nowhere, a wooden spike zoomed at the Darkside's head, taking it out. Sora dance in his victory until he noticed that the beast was crashing down on him.


End file.
